I’m trying to let go on many levels. Most of all, I’m trying to let go of nesting, something I’ve been doing for about 14 months now. I’m also trying to let go of “perfect.” More soon.

Love you all.

I can retrain myself to stop doing that by adopting some other nervous habit to take the place of eating.

I can also simply stop procrastinating so much and get things done.

I’ve been making progress on a very big project that has been weighing heavily on me. We are almost finished converting my office into the baby’s room and giving me some office space in the old playroom.

You wouldn’t think that would be a monumental task, but it as been.

Blame it on his teeth. Four of them are trying to make an appearance right now.

So, you see, I’ve been too tired to post anything, but I’ll try to catch up.

I need to be more like that again.

I went to bed on time two times out of the last three days. It’s not much, but it’s a start.

Sleep is one of the large pieces of this puzzle I’m trying to put together. It is the key to so much.

(Sorry to be gone so lone. Was away for a week over Thanksgiving.)

Some of you may understand how significant that is.

That’s all.

I think I have separation issues when it comes to this house. I feel like it needs me and if it’s not entirely organized and clean (which it never is, believe me) I feel like I need to be with it, working on it. It is completely defeating and keeps me sort of a slave to the inside of these walls. Or maybe a better analogy is like a mom who can’t leave her kid with a babysitter.

Anyway, I left my house all by its lonesome this morning and it was a little messy and I came home and had a cup of tea and some lunch and cleaned a little but I also didn’t clean later on even though there was a mess in Noah’s room. And it was nice.

I need to try that again soon.

The idea is that it will train me to sit down and eat and have a more realistic sense of what I need to eat to stay healhty.

I’ll let you know how it works.

My daily routine has changed since I was in my twenties. That’s for sure. I can sit around blaming my problems on that or I can focus on what the root of the problem is: my mind has changed in the way it thinks about food. I simply eat much more than my body needs.

When I was thin it didn’t even occur to me to go downstairs and shove food in my mouth when i was procrastinating, or because I was sleep deprived. I would take a nap. Or I would procrastinate some other way, like going out for a walk. Of course, I didn’t have three kids hanging on me, but my point is that I didn’t view the day as one endless buffet mealtime. There were mealtimes and there were one or two snack times and that was it. I paid attention to what I ate and when my pants got a little tight, I cut back. I didn’t particularly like sweet things. I loved getting out and exploring. I thought about my options differently.

When I got pregnant I remember looking with horror at how much food I had to eat before I stopped feeling sick. I used to have to eat around three breakfasts before I started to feel like a could face the day without fainting Now it seems quite normal for me to eat two breakfasts on some days: one before dropping the girls off and another when I get off. I like to eat in a relaxed state. Hmmm. Maybe I should just wait to eat until after drop-off.

Errrrr. Getting off message. I was supposed to stay positive here. I had a point. Okay, here it is. A few days ago I decided to let the old me who was more sensible about food take up some room in the crazy brain of mind. Right now the old me and the piggy me are battling it out most often, but I feel her (that sensible one) getting all comfortable in my consciousness and I often ask, “What would she do?” if she were going through the same day.

I know that’s not very concrete, but it’s a start.