Baby step #11: Letting Go

Happy 2009!

I’m trying to let go on many levels. Most of all, I’m trying to let go of nesting, something I’ve been doing for about 14 months now. I’m also trying to let go of “perfect.” More soon.

Love you all.

Baby step# 10: Getting Shit Done

One of the reasons why I nibble too much is that I head for the kitchen when I’m nervous or procrastinating.

I can retrain myself to stop doing that by adopting some other nervous habit to take the place of eating.

I can also simply stop procrastinating so much and get things done.

I’ve been making progress on a very big project that has been weighing heavily on me. We are almost finished converting my office into the baby’s room and giving me some office space in the old playroom.

You wouldn’t think that would be a monumental task, but it as been.

Baby step # 9

I no longer eat a bowl of ice-cream with my hubby before bed.

Baby step #8

I declined birthday cake at a party…..again.

That was my intermission

I have been doing good things. Yes, I have. The problem is I can choose sleep, but if baby don’t sleep, mama still ain’t sleeping.

Blame it on his teeth. Four of them are trying to make an appearance right now.

So, you see, I’ve been too tired to post anything, but I’ll try to catch up.

Baby step #6: Choosing Sleep

I have a terrible time getting myself to go to sleep at night. Either I’m wasting time on the computer, or I’m frantically trying to get a project done. I didn’t used to be like this. I used to go to sleep on time no matter what. If what I wanted to get done wasn’t done and it was really urgent, I’d set my alarm clock an hour or two early.

I need to be more like that again.

I went to bed on time two times out of the last three days. It’s not much, but it’s a start.

Sleep is one of the large pieces of this puzzle I’m trying to put together. It is the key to so much.

(Sorry to be gone so lone. Was away for a week over Thanksgiving.)

Babystep #5: I let ‘em eat cake

I did not have a piece of cake at Hannah’s friend’s birthday party yesterday.

Some of you may understand how significant that is.

That’s all.

Baby step 4: Get out of the Damn House

I took a walk this morning with a friend at one of my favorite places in the world. it was great. I was back home by 11:00 and felt refreshed even though the baby kept me up a lot last night.

I think I have separation issues when it comes to this house. I feel like it needs me and if it’s not entirely organized and clean (which it never is, believe me) I feel like I need to be with it, working on it. It is completely defeating and keeps me sort of a slave to the inside of these walls. Or maybe a better analogy is like a mom who can’t leave her kid with a babysitter.

Anyway, I left my house all by its lonesome this morning and it was a little messy and I came home and had a cup of tea and some lunch and cleaned a little but I also didn’t clean later on even though there was a mess in Noah’s room. And it was nice.

I need to try that again soon.

Baby Step 3: Packing a lunch

I know this is a bit gimmicky, but tonight when I was packing the girls lunches i packed a bag for me. I packed what I can eat between breakfast and dinner. I’m going to try to have that be all I eat.

The idea is that it will train me to sit down and eat and have a more realistic sense of what I need to eat to stay healhty.

I’ll let you know how it works.

Baby Step 2: “What would I Do?”

Since I’m 40 it would easy to blame the extra weight I’m carrying on age. The truth is, however, that I simply eat more than I used to. What can I blame that on? I’ll admit hanging out in the house all day and constantly having to clean the kitchen doesn’t help. It’s very easy to shove a dozen crackers in my mouth while I’m clearing counters for the umpteenth time. Or shove a few slices of cheese down the hatch as I’m preparing the girls a snack.

My daily routine has changed since I was in my twenties. That’s for sure. I can sit around blaming my problems on that or I can focus on what the root of the problem is: my mind has changed in the way it thinks about food. I simply eat much more than my body needs.

When I was thin it didn’t even occur to me to go downstairs and shove food in my mouth when i was procrastinating, or because I was sleep deprived. I would take a nap. Or I would procrastinate some other way, like going out for a walk. Of course, I didn’t have three kids hanging on me, but my point is that I didn’t view the day as one endless buffet mealtime. There were mealtimes and there were one or two snack times and that was it. I paid attention to what I ate and when my pants got a little tight, I cut back. I didn’t particularly like sweet things. I loved getting out and exploring. I thought about my options differently.

When I got pregnant I remember looking with horror at how much food I had to eat before I stopped feeling sick. I used to have to eat around three breakfasts before I started to feel like a could face the day without fainting Now it seems quite normal for me to eat two breakfasts on some days: one before dropping the girls off and another when I get off. I like to eat in a relaxed state. Hmmm. Maybe I should just wait to eat until after drop-off.

Errrrr. Getting off message. I was supposed to stay positive here. I had a point. Okay, here it is. A few days ago I decided to let the old me who was more sensible about food take up some room in the crazy brain of mind. Right now the old me and the piggy me are battling it out most often, but I feel her (that sensible one) getting all comfortable in my consciousness and I often ask, “What would she do?” if she were going through the same day.

I know that’s not very concrete, but it’s a start.